My friend Cindy is the one who got me on OkCupid. She told me that OkCupid is basically like a huge bar where everyone is checking each other out. So, for her, when people view your profile, it's as if they "winked" at you from across the bar - hence the record of who has viewed your profile, so you can figure out if you'd like to "wink" back, or at least glance over. If you take turns visiting each other's profiles, it's as if you're exchanging smiles or playful glances. And, if you get a message, then it's as if someone tossed back a shot and came over to actually talk to you instead of doing the coulda-shoulda-forehead slap the next morning.
Hitting on someone in person is hard. You've got to check your personal grooming (Nothing in my teeth? Dragon-free breath? Is there TP on my shoe??), and then there's the approach - do you bump into them accidentally and comment on the crowd of people around you? Ask them what they're drinking? Lean over and say, "you are like the hottest person in here"? So, one would think that hitting on a person via email would be so much easier - plenty of time to craft something witty, plus the other person's profile - a convenient source of potential tidbits to mention in your initial email, to show them that you've done your homework and that you do in fact have something in common.
*Sigh* I have received some perfect messages, some of which I've answered, and others to which I haven't responded because I've clicked through and read their profiles or checked out their pictures and I don't feel an attraction. But they didn't shoot themselves in the foot with these generic come-ons (all copy-pasted from my real OkC inbox; there are dozens and dozens more but you'll get the picture):
"I like your pics and profile, want to chat sometime?"
"Just thought I would say hi"
"You look great"
"What do you do in your free time?"
"I enjoyed your profile and wanted to say hi. How was your weekend?"
"Hi there, you seem like a lovely person, how are you?"
"I like your page, how are you?"
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Also useless are the canned messages where the person does nothing but talk about him/herself (only three here, since the last one is so long - but SO illlustrative!):
"Well I like live music, like to dance and like to boat in the summer time, I live on 2 acres right next to [InsertNameOfTown], do ya like Country living?"
"hey there sexy lady so i was wondering if you would be down to have a little casual fun with a younger guy" (see my post on Hunting an OkCougar)
"Ok... So Online dating is a fun concept in a perfect world but I know how this whole thing works in the real world. For one, you probably get 30 emails a day and who has time to read that many? It's luck of the draw at that point. On top of that I have to catch your eye with my pic first and then impress you with my profile before u even read my message, so therefore what I'm typing here is basically irrelevant because there's only like a 10% chance you're even reading this. However, if you ARE then go head and message back and let me know I have your attention. That way I'll know what I say here doesn't fall upon deaf ears, or "blind eyes" in this case ;). Even if you're not interested in me, at least let me know why. I'm always down for some constructive criticism when it comes to becoming a better, more desirable guy."
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Wait a second here! Isn't hitting on someone via email supposed to be easier and better than doing it in person? Doesn't online dating mean that someone who has contacted you has browsed carefully, and decided that there's something - physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual - that might connect themselves with you? Why, then, do all these messages SUCK?
If you are a single man on OkC, and wondering why nobody ever answers your messages, please allow me to give you a few tips on ...
HOW TO EXECUTE THE OKAPPROACH:
1) Avoid canned phrases about us. Demonstrate knowledge of your target's profile! Keeping it short and sweet is fine. The first set of examples above demonstrate that property. But there must be some mention of her profile, whether it's her love for coffee (often cited in more successful messages I've received), hobbies, or favorite movie - we are not in kindergarten anymore, and this is the kind of situation where you can't just "look at the pictures." I categorically refuse to visit the profile of any Okstupidman who has sent me such an impersonal, mass-distribution message.
2) Avoid canned phrases about yourself. We can read your profile just fine, so anything that you think is attractive enough to be routinely included into your approach messages should simply be a part of your profile. If you are going to talk about yourself, mention it in relation to HER. But under no circumstances should it sound copy-pasted.
3) Do keep it short. It's worth reiterating. Extensive discourses on your dating philosophy (yikes) and how "hard" it is to meet people online are both superfluous and off-putting. Show some confidence. Let your profile speak for itself; all your approach message has to do is get us there.
4) Only message someone ONCE. If they don't respond, it's because they didn't like your approach, or visited your profile, and didn't like what they saw or read. We don't need "reminders" that you're out there. If you're desperate to make sure you're on someone's radar, go ahead and visit their profile again. But, for the love of little arrows, avoid sequences like this:
OkStupidman: (via message) Hi there, I'm new to this whole online dating thing but you seem like fun, want to talk sometime? Over coffee, of course?
Me: (after clicking through, despite misgivings after seeing initial pic, but wanting to reward his knowledge of my profile) Don't like the profile, don't like the pics *silence*
OkStupidman: (via message) So, I noticed you had the chance to visit my profile, see anything you like?
Me: *silence*
OkStupidman: (via message) I know this whole online dating thing is hard, I feel like I can't express who I am on a computer, but it would be great to hear from you to see if we have any compatibility in person
Me: *silence*
OkStupidman: *sigh*
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Seriously, it is CREEPY to message someone more than once - allow their silence to speak for itself! It's like insistently staring down someone at a bar, who has already turned their back on you. Or coming up to someone, offering to buy them a drink, and having them roll their eyes and walk away. Would you continue pursuing that person IN person? Then don't do it on OkC!
Sometimes you'll follow all these guidelines, and not get messaged back. What gives? A lack of chemistry is what gives. I've written approach messages which have been witty, personal, and brief - seen my profile visited - and gotten no response. Who knows why? Maybe they weren't attracted to my pictures. Maybe the lack of high-risk sports on my profile put them off. Maybe any of a dozen things - sometimes people just don't click, and that's okay. But at least I know it wasn't my approach.
You should be able to have the same confidence. Customize your messages, and you'll get better responses - quality, not quantity, is what counts.
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