Nobody ever said online dating wasn't superficial. I, myself, have rejected potential suitors based only on their photos, or their height. I was oriented to OkCupid on the premise that it's like "a big online bar," and so I feel absolutely free to only consider men whom I would be attracted to in person. Physical compatibility is key to any healthy romantic relationship, and I know what wiggles my toes, thank you very much.
But there is one area where I think that many OkStupidmen are shooting themselves in the foot (or the appendage of your choice). It may seem irrelevant, and highly superficial, but the "looking for" age bracket is an area where snap decisions are made - and this is a part of your profile which, unlike your height or looks, you CAN control. Don't let your profile be rejected because of bad judgment here.
Age is a tricky one. Nobody wants to appear to be a cradlerobber - unless, of course, you are an OkCougar. Age boundaries don't really apply to hook-up-only dating; so, in this post, I'm exclusively talking about women and men who are looking for stable partnerships.
I know you don't need this cynic to tell you that there are different standards for men and women; Demi is still the talked-about (and now cheated-on) foil to the far-less-eyebrow-raising Catherine. It gets even more complicated when a man doesn't have kids yet, wants to have them, and wants to make sure his partner is able to. I respect that. But here are a couple of instances I object to, passionately (both representing an average of SEVERAL real men I have encountered):
OkStupidman A: is 32 and "looking for" 22-32 year olds.
OkStupidman B: is 34 and "looking for" 20-32 year olds.
All of the men with brackets like the ones above had "likes children" in the bio section of their profile, so I can only assume that they are all looking for women with whom they can have a family. But let me tell you - when I saw these age ranges, I ran away. This is a kind of superficial I just cannot tolerate in a partner.
Misters A and B need to read up on reproductive health. While it may be more difficult to get pregnant after 35, the real trouble doesn't start until after 40. Certainly 6-8 years is more than enough time to find a partner, establish a relationship, and get knocked up. So there's really no need to draw the line at your own age, or even younger ... seriously, Mr. B, you're 34 and you won't date a woman older than 32?? How many kids do you plan on having???
Now, I could be wrong, and it could have NOTHING to do with having OkBabies and everything to do with Misters A and B simply not wanting to date a woman older than them. Perhaps they have some quaint, old-fashioned idea that the man can be older, but not the woman. So, even back when they were 27 and still had all their hair - date a 28-year-old?? By heavens, no. She might be smarter than me. Or have more experience than me. Or ... have a whole one more candle on her birthday cake than me. And we all know how awkward it is when your partner has more ... wax?
I really have no way of knowing why these men don't want to date someone older than they are - whether it's because they're looking for farm-fresh eggs or wide-eyed innocence. But it's not even that part of things which really burns my cynical biscuits. You want your wife to be younger than 35 - fine. You even want her to be, simply, younger than you - I think that's disturbingly unmodern, but whatever.
It is, in all honesty, the BOTTOM end of their age range which convinces me that we would not be a good fit.
Twenty-two? TWENTY???!!! Do you, Okstupidman, REALLY think you could find a life partner in someone who has perhaps barely graduated college, had few (if any) serious relationships or experience in managing finances, who hasn't established herself professionally and still has so much to live and learn? Think about yourself when you were that age! Think about the growth you've experienced over the past decade! Do you really want to form a partnership with someone who hasn't found her feet under her as an adult, yet?
If you were 42 and she were 32, that would be one thing. You are both established grown-ups. And, yes, there may be a few exceptionally mature, grounded, adaptable young women out there who would make fantastic partners. But, categorically, the difference between 32 and 22 is so vast, that I can only conclude that any 32-year-old man "looking" to date a 22-year-old woman (again, categorically) has a tenuous grip on both reality and his own self-image.
What does that mean for you, Okstupidman who visits my profile, sends me a message, and never hears back? It means I have gone to your profile, seen that you are open to dating little girls who are barely old enough to drink, and said I can do better than someone who doesn't place a premium on having a partner with as much experience and seasoning as he himself has.
I TEACH university; I teach those 21 and 22 year-old-girls and believe me when I say that for all their lovely qualities, they are as yet unformed and undefined. They still need to grow up. You need to admit that you already have.
And even if you are unwilling to admit it - DON'T advertise it on your profile!! Stalk the profiles of women a decade younger than you if you must - perhaps you really think that panning for 22-year-old gold is a good use of your time. That is, of course, your business. But don't ADVERTISE it on your profile. All it does is make experienced women, like myself, recoil - and wonder about your sexual proficiency, self-esteem, and overall maturity. Whom are you trying to impress??
I hear your protest, Okstupidman - that you ARE confident in your personality, your prowess, and your prospects; that you're not trying to "impress" some easily-awed youngster, but, rather, to "improve your odds." I assure you, however, that you are in fact hurting them! First of all, you've probably discovered that trolling after the young'ns isn't yielding much luck in finding a compatible partner - so that's a poor use of your time. In fact, THEY might think it's just plain gross. And on top of that, when you contact us women closer to your own age, we won't have chance to discover all you have to offer when "what can you possibly SEE in a girl that age?" is all we're thinking. So, you're losing on both sides of your bracket.
You'll have way better luck if you AIM HIGHER, setting the lower end of your declared "looking for" age range to some reasonable number - I'd say no more than 5 or 6 years younger than you are. Maybe a slightly wider range if you're past 35. That way, you don't scare off the women your own age, and if you do contact a freshie here and there, she'll be flattered that you "made an exception." Win all around.
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