I have to give OkC props for its compatibility indicators - not necessarily because high percentages guarantee success, but because low ones are almost always great, big, color-coded, accurate "RUN AWAY NOW!" signs which, even next to the hottest of potential matches, I heed without fail. I plan to post more in detail on this soon.
This rant, however, is about how sometimes, even when everything seems like it should be right ... match percentages are high, photos are promising, messages are witty ... you go on that first date and ... that's all, folks.
I'm talking about a lack of OkChemistry. Things look good on screen - maybe even look good in person (most of the men I've been on dates with are definitely attractive); hell, maybe even the conversation is stimulating, topics flow, eyebrows raise, laughter bursts forth ... and yet ... something is off. Or just plain absent.
"I'm just not attracted to you." Inexplicable, unpredictable ... and FRUSTRATING. We women understand that most men can stand at attention simply when the wind blows the right way, and that your willingness to sleep with us is pretty much established when you meet us, and you see 1) that the pictures were at least ballpark, 2) no sign of an Adam's apple, and 3) that we seem to use floss at least occasionally.
Are there exceptions? Of course there are - just like there are women who will nail anything that isn't, well ... nailed down. But as a general rule, female arousal is a complex thing. And while I might want to want to sleep with you - cause I think you're nice and I should want to, or I'm in a dry spell -I don't want to. And if I don't want to sleep with you, I'm not going to lead you on and let you take me out on dates with romantic expectations and intentions. I don't like to be led on, and I wouldn't do the same to you.
So what does this mean for you? It means you get the brush-off - the indifferent, non-committal, excruciatingly polite response (if you get one at all) to your oh-so-carefully-composed follow-up to our date, which, to you at least, seemed to be extremely promising.
Yikes. Nobody likes to be brushed off. But you know what's worse? BEING BOMBARDED WITH REPEATED TEXTS-MESSAGES-PROFILE VISITS AFTER EXECUTING A BRUSH-OFF! SEE HOW I'M USING CAPITAL LETTERS RIGHT NOW?? DO YOU FEEL ANNOYED AND EVEN SLIGHTLY VIOLATED?? THAT'S HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU DON'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!
Fortunately, this has not been the rule for the majority of my spark-less first dates. Some of the men have felt it too, I think; in other cases, they have quickly caught, and moved, on. Others ... not so perceptive.
Take the man I met for drinks on a Friday night, at a quirky little bar in a quirky little neighborhood that I'd never been to. Talk of the general quirkiness surrounding us made up a good 20% of our conversation; the rest of the time was spent on standard small talk. He was decently handsome, but I felt absolutely no attraction. So, we had an early-ish hug goodbye and I told myself - well, he'll be good for a beer once in a while - and hey, look at this fabulously quirky new place I get to bring people to.
Except, well ... I don't dare set foot in the joint for fear of encouraging him. It took him a MONTH to leave me alone. Repeated "watcha doin?" type texts, stalker-esque profile visits, an IM here and there ... I shudder to think what an encounter now would do to his reality, which he has apparently - thankfully - regained a tenuous grip on.
Then there was another special character ... I'm gonna call him the Artist. The Artist and I had sky-high compatibility, deliciously sarcastic IM banter, and we both found each other very attractive, based on pictures. However, our schedules didn't match up and we couldn't find a time to go out. The full story of the Artist deserves, and will get, its own post. But, the point is that he said something which I found ridiculous and I just stopped replying to his texts. Entirely. I suppose I could have told him how idiotic he appeared to me, but crafting an explanation seemed like more effort than he was worth - so I opted for the brush-off.
Only the Artist had become a stain, the kind that keeps coming back after several rounds in the washer and dryer. Just when I thought I was safe - maybe five or six entire days without a message - I'd get inane inquiries about how I was, and references to inside jokes that only seemed sad and dim to me at that point. Like Mr. Quirky, the Artist took at least a month to go away, perhaps more.
I will never be friends with either of those men; and they will never get introduced to any of my girlfriends, either. There are a few others out there who are in the exact same boat - they've killed any opportunity of having any kind of relationship with me due to their refusal to take a goddamn hint.
So, like so many of my posts, this advice to all the OkStupidmen out there centers around, essentially, not being a freak: when you get the brush-off, BOW OUT GRACEFULLY.
I went on a date several months ago with a guy who was too young for me, but who was just like me - energetic and bright and talkative - way too cool a person to not want to give a chance to. Unfortunately, I found myself in the Land of No Spark (I'm tempted to make a Transformers joke here but I'm still recovering from the overwrought Decepticon-to-Decepticon pep talk in the second installment).
He followed up, I brushed him off ... but I kept him in my mind as someone who exudes positive energy, and I proposed a friendly get-together a few months later. Today, we are absolute buds. And while he has a girlfriend he's very happy with at the moment, I know that if they ever broke up that 1) he wouldn't come on to me, and 2) I'd absolutely introduce him to all my single girlfriends :)
So if you get the brush-off, send a single, simple message - "it was awesome meeting you the other night; let me know if you'd like to hang out sometime" or some variation and then BACK AWAY. Don't mention the brush-off; phrases like "well, I haven't heard back from you about getting together again" or "you haven't responded to my message from Sunday" will just make you sound needy and insecure.
Then, if necessary, write her phone number down somewhere and then erase her contact information from your phone to remove temptation. Take her off your OkC favorites so you don't go bouncing over to her profile every time she answers a question or changes a comma to a semicolon. Seriously, we know you exist, and having "reminders" that you're out there, pantingly available, are both unnecessary and unattractive ... and creepy.
If she wants to see you, she'll say something. After all, she knows where to find you. And if you don't act like an overeager stalker-puppy, she'll probably remember you in a positive way ... which means you may have a chance at a friend, or something more, with her, or her friends, in the future. Winning!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Don't oversell!
I was recently messaged by an man on OkC who was 53 years old. In case you need reference, that makes him over TWENTY years older than me. His "looking for" age bracket? 28-35. But since 28 is basically grown up, I can't condemn him for the same age gap insanity that I ranted about in last week's post.
So I saw his pictures and he seemed pretty young-looking - I honestly thought maybe his age was a typo, and he was 35, not 53. So, despite the temptation to respond to his initial message with "Dad, is that you?" I wrote back in a friendly way and asked if his age was for real. He said that it was. But that was not what took the OkCake. Here is his response, verbatim:
-------------------------------------------
So I saw his pictures and he seemed pretty young-looking - I honestly thought maybe his age was a typo, and he was 35, not 53. So, despite the temptation to respond to his initial message with "Dad, is that you?" I wrote back in a friendly way and asked if his age was for real. He said that it was. But that was not what took the OkCake. Here is his response, verbatim:
-------------------------------------------
Monday, November 14, 2011
Aim higher!
Nobody ever said online dating wasn't superficial. I, myself, have rejected potential suitors based only on their photos, or their height. I was oriented to OkCupid on the premise that it's like "a big online bar," and so I feel absolutely free to only consider men whom I would be attracted to in person. Physical compatibility is key to any healthy romantic relationship, and I know what wiggles my toes, thank you very much.
But there is one area where I think that many OkStupidmen are shooting themselves in the foot (or the appendage of your choice). It may seem irrelevant, and highly superficial, but the "looking for" age bracket is an area where snap decisions are made - and this is a part of your profile which, unlike your height or looks, you CAN control. Don't let your profile be rejected because of bad judgment here.
Age is a tricky one. Nobody wants to appear to be a cradlerobber - unless, of course, you are an OkCougar. Age boundaries don't really apply to hook-up-only dating; so, in this post, I'm exclusively talking about women and men who are looking for stable partnerships.
I know you don't need this cynic to tell you that there are different standards for men and women; Demi is still the talked-about (and now cheated-on) foil to the far-less-eyebrow-raising Catherine. It gets even more complicated when a man doesn't have kids yet, wants to have them, and wants to make sure his partner is able to. I respect that. But here are a couple of instances I object to, passionately (both representing an average of SEVERAL real men I have encountered):
OkStupidman A: is 32 and "looking for" 22-32 year olds.
OkStupidman B: is 34 and "looking for" 20-32 year olds.
All of the men with brackets like the ones above had "likes children" in the bio section of their profile, so I can only assume that they are all looking for women with whom they can have a family. But let me tell you - when I saw these age ranges, I ran away. This is a kind of superficial I just cannot tolerate in a partner.
Misters A and B need to read up on reproductive health. While it may be more difficult to get pregnant after 35, the real trouble doesn't start until after 40. Certainly 6-8 years is more than enough time to find a partner, establish a relationship, and get knocked up. So there's really no need to draw the line at your own age, or even younger ... seriously, Mr. B, you're 34 and you won't date a woman older than 32?? How many kids do you plan on having???
Now, I could be wrong, and it could have NOTHING to do with having OkBabies and everything to do with Misters A and B simply not wanting to date a woman older than them. Perhaps they have some quaint, old-fashioned idea that the man can be older, but not the woman. So, even back when they were 27 and still had all their hair - date a 28-year-old?? By heavens, no. She might be smarter than me. Or have more experience than me. Or ... have a whole one more candle on her birthday cake than me. And we all know how awkward it is when your partner has more ... wax?
I really have no way of knowing why these men don't want to date someone older than they are - whether it's because they're looking for farm-fresh eggs or wide-eyed innocence. But it's not even that part of things which really burns my cynical biscuits. You want your wife to be younger than 35 - fine. You even want her to be, simply, younger than you - I think that's disturbingly unmodern, but whatever.
It is, in all honesty, the BOTTOM end of their age range which convinces me that we would not be a good fit.
Twenty-two? TWENTY???!!! Do you, Okstupidman, REALLY think you could find a life partner in someone who has perhaps barely graduated college, had few (if any) serious relationships or experience in managing finances, who hasn't established herself professionally and still has so much to live and learn? Think about yourself when you were that age! Think about the growth you've experienced over the past decade! Do you really want to form a partnership with someone who hasn't found her feet under her as an adult, yet?
If you were 42 and she were 32, that would be one thing. You are both established grown-ups. And, yes, there may be a few exceptionally mature, grounded, adaptable young women out there who would make fantastic partners. But, categorically, the difference between 32 and 22 is so vast, that I can only conclude that any 32-year-old man "looking" to date a 22-year-old woman (again, categorically) has a tenuous grip on both reality and his own self-image.
What does that mean for you, Okstupidman who visits my profile, sends me a message, and never hears back? It means I have gone to your profile, seen that you are open to dating little girls who are barely old enough to drink, and said I can do better than someone who doesn't place a premium on having a partner with as much experience and seasoning as he himself has.
I TEACH university; I teach those 21 and 22 year-old-girls and believe me when I say that for all their lovely qualities, they are as yet unformed and undefined. They still need to grow up. You need to admit that you already have.
And even if you are unwilling to admit it - DON'T advertise it on your profile!! Stalk the profiles of women a decade younger than you if you must - perhaps you really think that panning for 22-year-old gold is a good use of your time. That is, of course, your business. But don't ADVERTISE it on your profile. All it does is make experienced women, like myself, recoil - and wonder about your sexual proficiency, self-esteem, and overall maturity. Whom are you trying to impress??
I hear your protest, Okstupidman - that you ARE confident in your personality, your prowess, and your prospects; that you're not trying to "impress" some easily-awed youngster, but, rather, to "improve your odds." I assure you, however, that you are in fact hurting them! First of all, you've probably discovered that trolling after the young'ns isn't yielding much luck in finding a compatible partner - so that's a poor use of your time. In fact, THEY might think it's just plain gross. And on top of that, when you contact us women closer to your own age, we won't have chance to discover all you have to offer when "what can you possibly SEE in a girl that age?" is all we're thinking. So, you're losing on both sides of your bracket.
You'll have way better luck if you AIM HIGHER, setting the lower end of your declared "looking for" age range to some reasonable number - I'd say no more than 5 or 6 years younger than you are. Maybe a slightly wider range if you're past 35. That way, you don't scare off the women your own age, and if you do contact a freshie here and there, she'll be flattered that you "made an exception." Win all around.
But there is one area where I think that many OkStupidmen are shooting themselves in the foot (or the appendage of your choice). It may seem irrelevant, and highly superficial, but the "looking for" age bracket is an area where snap decisions are made - and this is a part of your profile which, unlike your height or looks, you CAN control. Don't let your profile be rejected because of bad judgment here.
Age is a tricky one. Nobody wants to appear to be a cradlerobber - unless, of course, you are an OkCougar. Age boundaries don't really apply to hook-up-only dating; so, in this post, I'm exclusively talking about women and men who are looking for stable partnerships.
I know you don't need this cynic to tell you that there are different standards for men and women; Demi is still the talked-about (and now cheated-on) foil to the far-less-eyebrow-raising Catherine. It gets even more complicated when a man doesn't have kids yet, wants to have them, and wants to make sure his partner is able to. I respect that. But here are a couple of instances I object to, passionately (both representing an average of SEVERAL real men I have encountered):
OkStupidman A: is 32 and "looking for" 22-32 year olds.
OkStupidman B: is 34 and "looking for" 20-32 year olds.
All of the men with brackets like the ones above had "likes children" in the bio section of their profile, so I can only assume that they are all looking for women with whom they can have a family. But let me tell you - when I saw these age ranges, I ran away. This is a kind of superficial I just cannot tolerate in a partner.
Misters A and B need to read up on reproductive health. While it may be more difficult to get pregnant after 35, the real trouble doesn't start until after 40. Certainly 6-8 years is more than enough time to find a partner, establish a relationship, and get knocked up. So there's really no need to draw the line at your own age, or even younger ... seriously, Mr. B, you're 34 and you won't date a woman older than 32?? How many kids do you plan on having???
Now, I could be wrong, and it could have NOTHING to do with having OkBabies and everything to do with Misters A and B simply not wanting to date a woman older than them. Perhaps they have some quaint, old-fashioned idea that the man can be older, but not the woman. So, even back when they were 27 and still had all their hair - date a 28-year-old?? By heavens, no. She might be smarter than me. Or have more experience than me. Or ... have a whole one more candle on her birthday cake than me. And we all know how awkward it is when your partner has more ... wax?
I really have no way of knowing why these men don't want to date someone older than they are - whether it's because they're looking for farm-fresh eggs or wide-eyed innocence. But it's not even that part of things which really burns my cynical biscuits. You want your wife to be younger than 35 - fine. You even want her to be, simply, younger than you - I think that's disturbingly unmodern, but whatever.
It is, in all honesty, the BOTTOM end of their age range which convinces me that we would not be a good fit.
Twenty-two? TWENTY???!!! Do you, Okstupidman, REALLY think you could find a life partner in someone who has perhaps barely graduated college, had few (if any) serious relationships or experience in managing finances, who hasn't established herself professionally and still has so much to live and learn? Think about yourself when you were that age! Think about the growth you've experienced over the past decade! Do you really want to form a partnership with someone who hasn't found her feet under her as an adult, yet?
If you were 42 and she were 32, that would be one thing. You are both established grown-ups. And, yes, there may be a few exceptionally mature, grounded, adaptable young women out there who would make fantastic partners. But, categorically, the difference between 32 and 22 is so vast, that I can only conclude that any 32-year-old man "looking" to date a 22-year-old woman (again, categorically) has a tenuous grip on both reality and his own self-image.
What does that mean for you, Okstupidman who visits my profile, sends me a message, and never hears back? It means I have gone to your profile, seen that you are open to dating little girls who are barely old enough to drink, and said I can do better than someone who doesn't place a premium on having a partner with as much experience and seasoning as he himself has.
I TEACH university; I teach those 21 and 22 year-old-girls and believe me when I say that for all their lovely qualities, they are as yet unformed and undefined. They still need to grow up. You need to admit that you already have.
And even if you are unwilling to admit it - DON'T advertise it on your profile!! Stalk the profiles of women a decade younger than you if you must - perhaps you really think that panning for 22-year-old gold is a good use of your time. That is, of course, your business. But don't ADVERTISE it on your profile. All it does is make experienced women, like myself, recoil - and wonder about your sexual proficiency, self-esteem, and overall maturity. Whom are you trying to impress??
I hear your protest, Okstupidman - that you ARE confident in your personality, your prowess, and your prospects; that you're not trying to "impress" some easily-awed youngster, but, rather, to "improve your odds." I assure you, however, that you are in fact hurting them! First of all, you've probably discovered that trolling after the young'ns isn't yielding much luck in finding a compatible partner - so that's a poor use of your time. In fact, THEY might think it's just plain gross. And on top of that, when you contact us women closer to your own age, we won't have chance to discover all you have to offer when "what can you possibly SEE in a girl that age?" is all we're thinking. So, you're losing on both sides of your bracket.
You'll have way better luck if you AIM HIGHER, setting the lower end of your declared "looking for" age range to some reasonable number - I'd say no more than 5 or 6 years younger than you are. Maybe a slightly wider range if you're past 35. That way, you don't scare off the women your own age, and if you do contact a freshie here and there, she'll be flattered that you "made an exception." Win all around.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Customize!
My friend Cindy is the one who got me on OkCupid. She told me that OkCupid is basically like a huge bar where everyone is checking each other out. So, for her, when people view your profile, it's as if they "winked" at you from across the bar - hence the record of who has viewed your profile, so you can figure out if you'd like to "wink" back, or at least glance over. If you take turns visiting each other's profiles, it's as if you're exchanging smiles or playful glances. And, if you get a message, then it's as if someone tossed back a shot and came over to actually talk to you instead of doing the coulda-shoulda-forehead slap the next morning.
Hitting on someone in person is hard. You've got to check your personal grooming (Nothing in my teeth? Dragon-free breath? Is there TP on my shoe??), and then there's the approach - do you bump into them accidentally and comment on the crowd of people around you? Ask them what they're drinking? Lean over and say, "you are like the hottest person in here"? So, one would think that hitting on a person via email would be so much easier - plenty of time to craft something witty, plus the other person's profile - a convenient source of potential tidbits to mention in your initial email, to show them that you've done your homework and that you do in fact have something in common.
*Sigh* I have received some perfect messages, some of which I've answered, and others to which I haven't responded because I've clicked through and read their profiles or checked out their pictures and I don't feel an attraction. But they didn't shoot themselves in the foot with these generic come-ons (all copy-pasted from my real OkC inbox; there are dozens and dozens more but you'll get the picture):
"I like your pics and profile, want to chat sometime?"
"Just thought I would say hi"
"You look great"
"What do you do in your free time?"
"I enjoyed your profile and wanted to say hi. How was your weekend?"
"Hi there, you seem like a lovely person, how are you?"
"I like your page, how are you?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Also useless are the canned messages where the person does nothing but talk about him/herself (only three here, since the last one is so long - but SO illlustrative!):
"Well I like live music, like to dance and like to boat in the summer time, I live on 2 acres right next to [InsertNameOfTown], do ya like Country living?"
"hey there sexy lady so i was wondering if you would be down to have a little casual fun with a younger guy" (see my post on Hunting an OkCougar)
"Ok... So Online dating is a fun concept in a perfect world but I know how this whole thing works in the real world. For one, you probably get 30 emails a day and who has time to read that many? It's luck of the draw at that point. On top of that I have to catch your eye with my pic first and then impress you with my profile before u even read my message, so therefore what I'm typing here is basically irrelevant because there's only like a 10% chance you're even reading this. However, if you ARE then go head and message back and let me know I have your attention. That way I'll know what I say here doesn't fall upon deaf ears, or "blind eyes" in this case ;). Even if you're not interested in me, at least let me know why. I'm always down for some constructive criticism when it comes to becoming a better, more desirable guy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wait a second here! Isn't hitting on someone via email supposed to be easier and better than doing it in person? Doesn't online dating mean that someone who has contacted you has browsed carefully, and decided that there's something - physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual - that might connect themselves with you? Why, then, do all these messages SUCK?
If you are a single man on OkC, and wondering why nobody ever answers your messages, please allow me to give you a few tips on ...
HOW TO EXECUTE THE OKAPPROACH:
1) Avoid canned phrases about us. Demonstrate knowledge of your target's profile! Keeping it short and sweet is fine. The first set of examples above demonstrate that property. But there must be some mention of her profile, whether it's her love for coffee (often cited in more successful messages I've received), hobbies, or favorite movie - we are not in kindergarten anymore, and this is the kind of situation where you can't just "look at the pictures." I categorically refuse to visit the profile of any Okstupidman who has sent me such an impersonal, mass-distribution message.
2) Avoid canned phrases about yourself. We can read your profile just fine, so anything that you think is attractive enough to be routinely included into your approach messages should simply be a part of your profile. If you are going to talk about yourself, mention it in relation to HER. But under no circumstances should it sound copy-pasted.
3) Do keep it short. It's worth reiterating. Extensive discourses on your dating philosophy (yikes) and how "hard" it is to meet people online are both superfluous and off-putting. Show some confidence. Let your profile speak for itself; all your approach message has to do is get us there.
4) Only message someone ONCE. If they don't respond, it's because they didn't like your approach, or visited your profile, and didn't like what they saw or read. We don't need "reminders" that you're out there. If you're desperate to make sure you're on someone's radar, go ahead and visit their profile again. But, for the love of little arrows, avoid sequences like this:
OkStupidman: (via message) Hi there, I'm new to this whole online dating thing but you seem like fun, want to talk sometime? Over coffee, of course?
Me: (after clicking through, despite misgivings after seeing initial pic, but wanting to reward his knowledge of my profile) Don't like the profile, don't like the pics *silence*
OkStupidman: (via message) So, I noticed you had the chance to visit my profile, see anything you like?
Me: *silence*
OkStupidman: (via message) I know this whole online dating thing is hard, I feel like I can't express who I am on a computer, but it would be great to hear from you to see if we have any compatibility in person
Me: *silence*
OkStupidman: *sigh*
--------------------------------------------------------------
Seriously, it is CREEPY to message someone more than once - allow their silence to speak for itself! It's like insistently staring down someone at a bar, who has already turned their back on you. Or coming up to someone, offering to buy them a drink, and having them roll their eyes and walk away. Would you continue pursuing that person IN person? Then don't do it on OkC!
Sometimes you'll follow all these guidelines, and not get messaged back. What gives? A lack of chemistry is what gives. I've written approach messages which have been witty, personal, and brief - seen my profile visited - and gotten no response. Who knows why? Maybe they weren't attracted to my pictures. Maybe the lack of high-risk sports on my profile put them off. Maybe any of a dozen things - sometimes people just don't click, and that's okay. But at least I know it wasn't my approach.
You should be able to have the same confidence. Customize your messages, and you'll get better responses - quality, not quantity, is what counts.
Hitting on someone in person is hard. You've got to check your personal grooming (Nothing in my teeth? Dragon-free breath? Is there TP on my shoe??), and then there's the approach - do you bump into them accidentally and comment on the crowd of people around you? Ask them what they're drinking? Lean over and say, "you are like the hottest person in here"? So, one would think that hitting on a person via email would be so much easier - plenty of time to craft something witty, plus the other person's profile - a convenient source of potential tidbits to mention in your initial email, to show them that you've done your homework and that you do in fact have something in common.
*Sigh* I have received some perfect messages, some of which I've answered, and others to which I haven't responded because I've clicked through and read their profiles or checked out their pictures and I don't feel an attraction. But they didn't shoot themselves in the foot with these generic come-ons (all copy-pasted from my real OkC inbox; there are dozens and dozens more but you'll get the picture):
"I like your pics and profile, want to chat sometime?"
"Just thought I would say hi"
"You look great"
"What do you do in your free time?"
"I enjoyed your profile and wanted to say hi. How was your weekend?"
"Hi there, you seem like a lovely person, how are you?"
"I like your page, how are you?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Also useless are the canned messages where the person does nothing but talk about him/herself (only three here, since the last one is so long - but SO illlustrative!):
"Well I like live music, like to dance and like to boat in the summer time, I live on 2 acres right next to [InsertNameOfTown], do ya like Country living?"
"hey there sexy lady so i was wondering if you would be down to have a little casual fun with a younger guy" (see my post on Hunting an OkCougar)
"Ok... So Online dating is a fun concept in a perfect world but I know how this whole thing works in the real world. For one, you probably get 30 emails a day and who has time to read that many? It's luck of the draw at that point. On top of that I have to catch your eye with my pic first and then impress you with my profile before u even read my message, so therefore what I'm typing here is basically irrelevant because there's only like a 10% chance you're even reading this. However, if you ARE then go head and message back and let me know I have your attention. That way I'll know what I say here doesn't fall upon deaf ears, or "blind eyes" in this case ;). Even if you're not interested in me, at least let me know why. I'm always down for some constructive criticism when it comes to becoming a better, more desirable guy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wait a second here! Isn't hitting on someone via email supposed to be easier and better than doing it in person? Doesn't online dating mean that someone who has contacted you has browsed carefully, and decided that there's something - physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual - that might connect themselves with you? Why, then, do all these messages SUCK?
If you are a single man on OkC, and wondering why nobody ever answers your messages, please allow me to give you a few tips on ...
HOW TO EXECUTE THE OKAPPROACH:
1) Avoid canned phrases about us. Demonstrate knowledge of your target's profile! Keeping it short and sweet is fine. The first set of examples above demonstrate that property. But there must be some mention of her profile, whether it's her love for coffee (often cited in more successful messages I've received), hobbies, or favorite movie - we are not in kindergarten anymore, and this is the kind of situation where you can't just "look at the pictures." I categorically refuse to visit the profile of any Okstupidman who has sent me such an impersonal, mass-distribution message.
2) Avoid canned phrases about yourself. We can read your profile just fine, so anything that you think is attractive enough to be routinely included into your approach messages should simply be a part of your profile. If you are going to talk about yourself, mention it in relation to HER. But under no circumstances should it sound copy-pasted.
3) Do keep it short. It's worth reiterating. Extensive discourses on your dating philosophy (yikes) and how "hard" it is to meet people online are both superfluous and off-putting. Show some confidence. Let your profile speak for itself; all your approach message has to do is get us there.
4) Only message someone ONCE. If they don't respond, it's because they didn't like your approach, or visited your profile, and didn't like what they saw or read. We don't need "reminders" that you're out there. If you're desperate to make sure you're on someone's radar, go ahead and visit their profile again. But, for the love of little arrows, avoid sequences like this:
OkStupidman: (via message) Hi there, I'm new to this whole online dating thing but you seem like fun, want to talk sometime? Over coffee, of course?
Me: (after clicking through, despite misgivings after seeing initial pic, but wanting to reward his knowledge of my profile) Don't like the profile, don't like the pics *silence*
OkStupidman: (via message) So, I noticed you had the chance to visit my profile, see anything you like?
Me: *silence*
OkStupidman: (via message) I know this whole online dating thing is hard, I feel like I can't express who I am on a computer, but it would be great to hear from you to see if we have any compatibility in person
Me: *silence*
OkStupidman: *sigh*
--------------------------------------------------------------
Seriously, it is CREEPY to message someone more than once - allow their silence to speak for itself! It's like insistently staring down someone at a bar, who has already turned their back on you. Or coming up to someone, offering to buy them a drink, and having them roll their eyes and walk away. Would you continue pursuing that person IN person? Then don't do it on OkC!
Sometimes you'll follow all these guidelines, and not get messaged back. What gives? A lack of chemistry is what gives. I've written approach messages which have been witty, personal, and brief - seen my profile visited - and gotten no response. Who knows why? Maybe they weren't attracted to my pictures. Maybe the lack of high-risk sports on my profile put them off. Maybe any of a dozen things - sometimes people just don't click, and that's okay. But at least I know it wasn't my approach.
You should be able to have the same confidence. Customize your messages, and you'll get better responses - quality, not quantity, is what counts.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Hunt with class
I am past 30. Not toeing the line, not touching the paint - completely, and definitively, past 30. Lucky for me, I appear to look probably five years younger than I am - or that's what people tell me. I look at pictures taken of me five years ago and I can't see the difference. At any rate, I'm healthy and attractive and I get a lot of hits on my profile.
So what? The funny part is, I get hits from guys who are 10 years my junior. Now, I have a 10-year range in the "looking for" part of my profile - five years younger, five years older. But it does not include wide-eyed, stiff-crotched young men who are barely old enough to buy me a drink. I teach all day long for my job, and I do NOT want to have to keep "working" when I get home - I want a partner who is skilled, confident, and grounded. This is not to say that younger men are, universally, inexperienced or untalented in bed, nor that they are ALL unworldly or immature. There may be an excellent partner out there for me who is, in fact, ten years younger. But as an age group, I am simply unwilling to sift through all the horny naivete to find that exception.
However, this has not prevented at least three young men (I omit the "gentle" with absolute intention) from contacting me via OkStupidIM to propose a little cradle romp. Not that there's anything wrong with trying to see if you can get a more experienced woman to sleep with you. But the way these men went about it illustrates EXACTLY my point - no matter how old the woman, a little class is needed when propositioning her. Here are some examples (a short compilation of the tasteless, but entertaining, approaches taken by Dumb, Dumber, and D'Oh):
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Okstupidboy: Hey, how are you?
Me: Peachy, and yourself?
Okstupidboy: Peachy, lol, that's great :) So, I was wondering ... I've got this fantasy of hooking up with a much older woman and I was wondering if you'd be into that.
Me: (in the mood to be entertained) You know, I don't "hook up" with anyone, no matter how old they are, but are you for real?
Okstupidboy: Yes, I bet we could have a really good time, I saw your pictures and you're hot, you can check out mine if you want.
Me: (after obligingly checking out pictures) Seriously, you seem very cute, but I don't do casual hookups, it says so on my profile.
Okstupidboy: You never know until you try! ;) lol.
Me: Believe me, I don't plan on trying, but honestly, what would I get out of the deal?
Okstupidboy: Well, I mean ... it would be fun, I've been told I'm good in bed, well, I'm pretty sure I am, and you could show me things I don't know, it's my fantasy to have an older woman teach me. I'm also really *well-equipped* lol ;)
Me: You are serious? You just want to take me, an anonymous older woman, out for drinks or something, and then have sex, and hope that you learn something and that you can satisfy me at least minimally?
Okstupidboy: I don't really have money for drinks, lol, you'd have to buy your own.
Me: Are you for real?
Okstupidboy: Yeah, I mean, hey, at least I'm being honest.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Where is the lesson here? There are obviously several, but the overall one is, dear Okstupidboy who can't lock down an older woman - SHOW SOME CLASS. I, personally, always say no to hookups, no matter what age group they come from, and no matter how classy the proposal or attractive the man. I expect a lot out of my partner, and I'm not interested in wasting a notch on my bedpost on some potentially mediocre sex. But that's just me. Other ladies my age, who ARE open to more casual encounters, will be more likely to respond positively to your advances if you comply with the following ...
RULES FOR HUNTING AN OKCOUGAR:
First of all, read the woman's profile. If she hasn't listed "short-term dating" or "casual sex" amongst her "looking for" parameters, move ON. Believe me, your youthful charms are not half as attractive as you think they are, especially to a woman who has a stated interested in stability, and even more so if you're more than a year or two away from the bottom range of her age bracket.
Supposing that you've decided to contact this (would-be) OkCougar, promise yourself NOT to use smileys, LOLs, OMGs, and other abbreviations unless SHE does first. We are part of a generation that met, dated, hooked up, and loved without electronic interventions - and while many of us have learned to manage that language fluently, others will be put off by your youthful insistence on shorthand phrases and laughter that we know better than to believe is actually "out loud."
Don't start off with "much older." Jeez. Most women my age (if my initial paragraph didn't convince you) don't feel a day older than 27. Calling us "much older" or even "older" may be accurate, but it is NOT attractive. If you are proposing a hookup, ask us how we are, tell us how attractive we are, and then propose the damn hookup. We can figure out your age on our own, promise. If we say yes, we know what we're getting into.
Also ... hints at your poverty, lack of education, residence in a parental basement, videogames, part-time job, and anything else that screams "MAN-BOY" will not help your case. The most important benefits of hooking up with a younger guy are your supposed stamina, still-visible-from-varsity-football physique, and enthusiasm. Please don't imply that we should pay for the obligatory drinks beforehand, or that getting together at your place would interrupt your roommate's Madden tournament. Save up for sex with an older woman like you would for a car ... or at least a freaking oil change.
Happy hunting ...
So what? The funny part is, I get hits from guys who are 10 years my junior. Now, I have a 10-year range in the "looking for" part of my profile - five years younger, five years older. But it does not include wide-eyed, stiff-crotched young men who are barely old enough to buy me a drink. I teach all day long for my job, and I do NOT want to have to keep "working" when I get home - I want a partner who is skilled, confident, and grounded. This is not to say that younger men are, universally, inexperienced or untalented in bed, nor that they are ALL unworldly or immature. There may be an excellent partner out there for me who is, in fact, ten years younger. But as an age group, I am simply unwilling to sift through all the horny naivete to find that exception.
However, this has not prevented at least three young men (I omit the "gentle" with absolute intention) from contacting me via OkStupidIM to propose a little cradle romp. Not that there's anything wrong with trying to see if you can get a more experienced woman to sleep with you. But the way these men went about it illustrates EXACTLY my point - no matter how old the woman, a little class is needed when propositioning her. Here are some examples (a short compilation of the tasteless, but entertaining, approaches taken by Dumb, Dumber, and D'Oh):
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Okstupidboy: Hey, how are you?
Me: Peachy, and yourself?
Okstupidboy: Peachy, lol, that's great :) So, I was wondering ... I've got this fantasy of hooking up with a much older woman and I was wondering if you'd be into that.
Me: (in the mood to be entertained) You know, I don't "hook up" with anyone, no matter how old they are, but are you for real?
Okstupidboy: Yes, I bet we could have a really good time, I saw your pictures and you're hot, you can check out mine if you want.
Me: (after obligingly checking out pictures) Seriously, you seem very cute, but I don't do casual hookups, it says so on my profile.
Okstupidboy: You never know until you try! ;) lol.
Me: Believe me, I don't plan on trying, but honestly, what would I get out of the deal?
Okstupidboy: Well, I mean ... it would be fun, I've been told I'm good in bed, well, I'm pretty sure I am, and you could show me things I don't know, it's my fantasy to have an older woman teach me. I'm also really *well-equipped* lol ;)
Me: You are serious? You just want to take me, an anonymous older woman, out for drinks or something, and then have sex, and hope that you learn something and that you can satisfy me at least minimally?
Okstupidboy: I don't really have money for drinks, lol, you'd have to buy your own.
Me: Are you for real?
Okstupidboy: Yeah, I mean, hey, at least I'm being honest.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Where is the lesson here? There are obviously several, but the overall one is, dear Okstupidboy who can't lock down an older woman - SHOW SOME CLASS. I, personally, always say no to hookups, no matter what age group they come from, and no matter how classy the proposal or attractive the man. I expect a lot out of my partner, and I'm not interested in wasting a notch on my bedpost on some potentially mediocre sex. But that's just me. Other ladies my age, who ARE open to more casual encounters, will be more likely to respond positively to your advances if you comply with the following ...
RULES FOR HUNTING AN OKCOUGAR:
First of all, read the woman's profile. If she hasn't listed "short-term dating" or "casual sex" amongst her "looking for" parameters, move ON. Believe me, your youthful charms are not half as attractive as you think they are, especially to a woman who has a stated interested in stability, and even more so if you're more than a year or two away from the bottom range of her age bracket.
Supposing that you've decided to contact this (would-be) OkCougar, promise yourself NOT to use smileys, LOLs, OMGs, and other abbreviations unless SHE does first. We are part of a generation that met, dated, hooked up, and loved without electronic interventions - and while many of us have learned to manage that language fluently, others will be put off by your youthful insistence on shorthand phrases and laughter that we know better than to believe is actually "out loud."
Don't start off with "much older." Jeez. Most women my age (if my initial paragraph didn't convince you) don't feel a day older than 27. Calling us "much older" or even "older" may be accurate, but it is NOT attractive. If you are proposing a hookup, ask us how we are, tell us how attractive we are, and then propose the damn hookup. We can figure out your age on our own, promise. If we say yes, we know what we're getting into.
Also ... hints at your poverty, lack of education, residence in a parental basement, videogames, part-time job, and anything else that screams "MAN-BOY" will not help your case. The most important benefits of hooking up with a younger guy are your supposed stamina, still-visible-from-varsity-football physique, and enthusiasm. Please don't imply that we should pay for the obligatory drinks beforehand, or that getting together at your place would interrupt your roommate's Madden tournament. Save up for sex with an older woman like you would for a car ... or at least a freaking oil change.
Happy hunting ...
Monday, October 24, 2011
Show yourself!
My second date originating from an OkC contact was ... the most snooze-inducing hour and a half of my life. I can't even provide you with dialogue since there is NOTHING memorable about our encounter - even the food (fish and chips) was insipid, in spite of generous doses of ketchup and malt vinegar ...
I had contacted this particular OkStupidman based on the whimsy of his profile pic (he was sitting on a bench, looking sideways at a gigantic stuffed animal seated next to him), and his slightly snarky profile - I enjoy a good dose of sarcasm, and he seemed to wield words enviably. We even chatted a few times online before meeting, and a compatible vibe was definitely there.
I got to the restaurant first - it had been my choice, and I was disappointed to see that it was more dive-y than "colorful;" still, a local had promised me good eats and friendly service. I waited.
When OkStupidman walked through the door, it was over for me, physically. I asked myself - how did I not realize what this man looks like? We made it through a dinner filled with false starts and halfhearted jokes, and said goodbye unenthusiastically.
What is the lesson here? It's not about writing a profile which is as equally boring as you yourself are in person - I can understand, and forgive, that our face-to-face connection was a pale shade of lavender compared to the vibrant interactions we had enjoyed before. He probably thought I was intolerably dull, as well. But the date - and the accompanying conversational floundering - could have all been avoided had his pictures resembled the man in person.
So, what is today's lesson? INCLUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF THAT ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE YOU! I went back later and realized that this particular OkStupidman had only included pictures of himself taken in profile. Aha! I know the trick of it now. So, this particular piece of coconut-preservation advice includes the following stipulations:
1) You need to have at least one picture of yourself looking directly at the camera. Face forward. Artistic, angled, pensive, staged shots are all fine and good (though hopefully there aren't too many) - but at least one needs to show your whole, smiling face.
2) If you are anywhere in the vicinity of bald, you'd damn well better show it. If you are wearing a hat in every single one of your pictures, I will dislike you - and not because you're bald, but because you're hiding it.
3) Even if you have an eight-pack and Ken-doll-hips, do not do the cell-phone-camera-bathroom-mirror-shirtless thing. Girls who put up pictures like that appear to be slutty - whether they are or not. You, in turn, just look like a douche.
There are women who loooove guys with a shaved head, or who just don't care about thinning or missing hair, the same way that there are guys who don't care if a girl has a few extra pounds on her. As for your stellar bod, she'll have plenty of time to discover it if you click - but you won't get a chance to click with her if you've already convinced her that you're a superficial man-whore. A general idea of your fitness level is fine, via a full-body shot that shows if you're skinny, well-shaped, pudgy, or even flat-out overweight. But keep your damn shirt on.
Besides, do you really want to waste your time going on a date with a woman who isn't at least reasonably sure she finds you attractive?? Post some authentic pictures of yourself, and you may find that while you go on fewer dates ... they'll be better ones.
I had contacted this particular OkStupidman based on the whimsy of his profile pic (he was sitting on a bench, looking sideways at a gigantic stuffed animal seated next to him), and his slightly snarky profile - I enjoy a good dose of sarcasm, and he seemed to wield words enviably. We even chatted a few times online before meeting, and a compatible vibe was definitely there.
I got to the restaurant first - it had been my choice, and I was disappointed to see that it was more dive-y than "colorful;" still, a local had promised me good eats and friendly service. I waited.
When OkStupidman walked through the door, it was over for me, physically. I asked myself - how did I not realize what this man looks like? We made it through a dinner filled with false starts and halfhearted jokes, and said goodbye unenthusiastically.
What is the lesson here? It's not about writing a profile which is as equally boring as you yourself are in person - I can understand, and forgive, that our face-to-face connection was a pale shade of lavender compared to the vibrant interactions we had enjoyed before. He probably thought I was intolerably dull, as well. But the date - and the accompanying conversational floundering - could have all been avoided had his pictures resembled the man in person.
So, what is today's lesson? INCLUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF THAT ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE YOU! I went back later and realized that this particular OkStupidman had only included pictures of himself taken in profile. Aha! I know the trick of it now. So, this particular piece of coconut-preservation advice includes the following stipulations:
1) You need to have at least one picture of yourself looking directly at the camera. Face forward. Artistic, angled, pensive, staged shots are all fine and good (though hopefully there aren't too many) - but at least one needs to show your whole, smiling face.
2) If you are anywhere in the vicinity of bald, you'd damn well better show it. If you are wearing a hat in every single one of your pictures, I will dislike you - and not because you're bald, but because you're hiding it.
3) Even if you have an eight-pack and Ken-doll-hips, do not do the cell-phone-camera-bathroom-mirror-shirtless thing. Girls who put up pictures like that appear to be slutty - whether they are or not. You, in turn, just look like a douche.
There are women who loooove guys with a shaved head, or who just don't care about thinning or missing hair, the same way that there are guys who don't care if a girl has a few extra pounds on her. As for your stellar bod, she'll have plenty of time to discover it if you click - but you won't get a chance to click with her if you've already convinced her that you're a superficial man-whore. A general idea of your fitness level is fine, via a full-body shot that shows if you're skinny, well-shaped, pudgy, or even flat-out overweight. But keep your damn shirt on.
Besides, do you really want to waste your time going on a date with a woman who isn't at least reasonably sure she finds you attractive?? Post some authentic pictures of yourself, and you may find that while you go on fewer dates ... they'll be better ones.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Avoid the woods
My OkC experience started when I told a friend I had tickets for a hockey game and no one to go with. I was new in my town and knew fewer than a half-dozen people. She proceeded to tell me that she'd been checking out a certain guy's profile on OkCupid (this "dating site" I'd heard of, but never visited), that he was in my town, and that he would be "perfect" for me.
She copy-pasted every word of his profile into an email and sent it forth ... and boy, did he sound great on screen. Witty, self-deprecating, with just enough personal detail to make you say wow, this guy is really in touch with his emotions. You know the type.
I got to see a picture, too - he was wearing a beanie and a scarf, hands in his pockets, shoulders shrugged up in a slightly sheepish way ... seemed very endearing.
So I signed up ... as I was filling out my profile, my friend (we'll call her Cindy) emailed him and told him that I was interested in a date. Once I was actually "in" the system, I went to visit his profile for myself.
*Sigh* The rest of the pictures were not good. He was definitely more Cindy's type than mine. But, by then he had contacted me and I felt obligated to go on a date. He still seemed fun and funny, and I figured that I might get a friend out of the deal. I also liked that he already had plans the same night I had those tickets, and was not willing to blow them off to go on a date - I was encouraged by the scent of non-desperation. So I showed up to breakfast with the best of intentions.
Unfortunately, he showed up to breakfast with chips on his shoulders stacked up like Pringles. He was noticeably, painfully defensive about everything, especially his recent weight loss. Not a hint of the self-confidence that his so-carefully-worded profile had conveyed.
This, however, was not the coconut-shattering problem. Everyone has self-esteem issues. But here is where he failed:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(after we finished breakfast)
OkStupidman: So, I was thinking we could go for a walk, since you said you like being outside in your profile.
Me: Oh, sure, I guess that would be fine, where would we go?
OkStupidman: Well, I know a park right near here that is really pretty.
Me: Hm, well, is it like a city park with playground equipment or is it a wooded park with trails?
OkStupidman: It's more like the second.
Me: (thinking): Oh, yes, that sounds fabulous - I didn't actually write it in my profile, but I LOVE going out in the woods alone with men I've just met. My life goal is to become a Dateline true story ...
(out loud): Um, I'd just as soon stay in town, do you know any cool neighborhoods?
OkStupidman: (sounding surprised) You ... you don't want to go for a hike in the woods?
Me: No, I'd really rather stay in town. I don't know the city well yet - is there someplace fun we could walk around?
OkStupidman: Yeah, sure, we can go to (InsertNameOf) Street, there's a good bookstore up there, and I don't live too far away. Why don't you follow me to my house in your car and we can take the bus from there?
Me: (thinking): Ah, yes, so we can get extra "together time" both ways on the bus, and then of course you can invite me in after we get back from our walk, and since I don't know the city very well I'll completely depend on you to get back in the first place, and your neighborhood just might be sketchy or isolated and ... Ann Curry's gonna love this.
(out loud): You know, I should get back home fairly soon, I have some work to do, so why don't we just drive separately and then I can leave right after our walk.
OkStupidman: You ... you don't want to just leave your car at my place?
Me: No, really, I'd prefer to drive myself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I won't regale you with further "date" details ... but what is the lesson here??
I learned lots ... but this blog is about you, OkStupidman, who can't figure out why he's still single ...
DON'T ACT LIKE A CREEPER! I am very sure that I would have been absolutely safe with this guy - but that isn't the damn issue. The point is that anyone with an ounce of common sense would realize that inviting a girl he's just met into the f**king woods is psycho behavior - even if he has no psycho intentions at all. It's about appearances, people. He further demonstrated his okstupidity by pushing forward and saying "let's ride over together." I'm sure he was just trying to be green, but it only showed that he did not catch the whole "I'm not yet comfortable being alone with you" message I was sending.
In short, it doesn't matter if you're not a stalking, ax-murdering rapist. If you ACT like one, women will wonder if you actually are one, or if you're too clueless to realize that you're giving off that impression. Either way, you lose.
And when it comes down to it, so do we.
She copy-pasted every word of his profile into an email and sent it forth ... and boy, did he sound great on screen. Witty, self-deprecating, with just enough personal detail to make you say wow, this guy is really in touch with his emotions. You know the type.
I got to see a picture, too - he was wearing a beanie and a scarf, hands in his pockets, shoulders shrugged up in a slightly sheepish way ... seemed very endearing.
So I signed up ... as I was filling out my profile, my friend (we'll call her Cindy) emailed him and told him that I was interested in a date. Once I was actually "in" the system, I went to visit his profile for myself.
*Sigh* The rest of the pictures were not good. He was definitely more Cindy's type than mine. But, by then he had contacted me and I felt obligated to go on a date. He still seemed fun and funny, and I figured that I might get a friend out of the deal. I also liked that he already had plans the same night I had those tickets, and was not willing to blow them off to go on a date - I was encouraged by the scent of non-desperation. So I showed up to breakfast with the best of intentions.
Unfortunately, he showed up to breakfast with chips on his shoulders stacked up like Pringles. He was noticeably, painfully defensive about everything, especially his recent weight loss. Not a hint of the self-confidence that his so-carefully-worded profile had conveyed.
This, however, was not the coconut-shattering problem. Everyone has self-esteem issues. But here is where he failed:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(after we finished breakfast)
OkStupidman: So, I was thinking we could go for a walk, since you said you like being outside in your profile.
Me: Oh, sure, I guess that would be fine, where would we go?
OkStupidman: Well, I know a park right near here that is really pretty.
Me: Hm, well, is it like a city park with playground equipment or is it a wooded park with trails?
OkStupidman: It's more like the second.
Me: (thinking): Oh, yes, that sounds fabulous - I didn't actually write it in my profile, but I LOVE going out in the woods alone with men I've just met. My life goal is to become a Dateline true story ...
(out loud): Um, I'd just as soon stay in town, do you know any cool neighborhoods?
OkStupidman: (sounding surprised) You ... you don't want to go for a hike in the woods?
Me: No, I'd really rather stay in town. I don't know the city well yet - is there someplace fun we could walk around?
OkStupidman: Yeah, sure, we can go to (InsertNameOf) Street, there's a good bookstore up there, and I don't live too far away. Why don't you follow me to my house in your car and we can take the bus from there?
Me: (thinking): Ah, yes, so we can get extra "together time" both ways on the bus, and then of course you can invite me in after we get back from our walk, and since I don't know the city very well I'll completely depend on you to get back in the first place, and your neighborhood just might be sketchy or isolated and ... Ann Curry's gonna love this.
(out loud): You know, I should get back home fairly soon, I have some work to do, so why don't we just drive separately and then I can leave right after our walk.
OkStupidman: You ... you don't want to just leave your car at my place?
Me: No, really, I'd prefer to drive myself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I won't regale you with further "date" details ... but what is the lesson here??
I learned lots ... but this blog is about you, OkStupidman, who can't figure out why he's still single ...
DON'T ACT LIKE A CREEPER! I am very sure that I would have been absolutely safe with this guy - but that isn't the damn issue. The point is that anyone with an ounce of common sense would realize that inviting a girl he's just met into the f**king woods is psycho behavior - even if he has no psycho intentions at all. It's about appearances, people. He further demonstrated his okstupidity by pushing forward and saying "let's ride over together." I'm sure he was just trying to be green, but it only showed that he did not catch the whole "I'm not yet comfortable being alone with you" message I was sending.
In short, it doesn't matter if you're not a stalking, ax-murdering rapist. If you ACT like one, women will wonder if you actually are one, or if you're too clueless to realize that you're giving off that impression. Either way, you lose.
And when it comes down to it, so do we.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Coconuts
so i have a profile on okcupid. there. i said it.
dating in your early 30s is hard. hard like a coconut. you KNOW there's some healthy deliciousness inside, but prying it open without spilling out the good stuff is nearly impossible.
you might be the coconut, he might be the coconut, the relationship itself might be the coconut ... but idiots with sledgehammers seem to abound, judging by the messages and behaviors of far too many men (and boys) who have contacted me on okc.
so, please share this blog with anyone single you know, especially men who may be inadvertently dropping tropical fruit out of 10-story windows ...
dating in your early 30s is hard. hard like a coconut. you KNOW there's some healthy deliciousness inside, but prying it open without spilling out the good stuff is nearly impossible.
you might be the coconut, he might be the coconut, the relationship itself might be the coconut ... but idiots with sledgehammers seem to abound, judging by the messages and behaviors of far too many men (and boys) who have contacted me on okc.
so, please share this blog with anyone single you know, especially men who may be inadvertently dropping tropical fruit out of 10-story windows ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)