Standing out on an online dating site is hard, especially when you're the one making the first move. I've discussed the OkApproach in a previous post, in an effort to discourage those mass-mailed, generic, copy-paste emails that are probably sent out by the dozen or more, perhaps with the misguided notion that casting a wide net will at least catch one fish out of the supposedly plenty that are out there (see how I'm mixing my online dating site metaphors? Ah, but the great OkC vs. PoF debate will have to wait for a later time).
I should mention, though, that now that I have a PoF profile (and once I got over the shock of having the site suggest my ex to me as soon as I completed my first test - that was unpleasant) ... all the instances of OkStupidity and PlentyOfFoolishness have sort of mixed together in my head so I'll be copy-pasting messages and telling stories from both sites.
Okay, so back to the OkApproach. I could go on and on about the generic, BORING messages that I've received - how was your weekend? How are you? How about this sunshine? How about that snow? How about them Saints?
Those are kinds of questions that work when you're hitting someone up in a bar, or trying to talk to the friend of a friend. There are likely only a few other people around who have intentions towards the same person you do - so it's okay to be a bit dull at the beginning, because she's likely to give you more of a chance. Even if the words themselves make you sound about as fascinating as a turnip, if you've got a twinkle in your eye, a spring in your step, a bulge in your bicep, a hint of enticing cologne, a ready smile, or a laughing group of friends around you - she might not turn away. Then you can stop being so nervous and let her see how great you are.
But this is online dating, people - all you have is a profile pic and those first few words to help you stand out from amongst the competition! There are probably dozens and dozens of men hitting up the very same woman you are - and it's hard to keep track of who's who. When I have an inbox filled with "How is your week going?"-type messages, how in the hell can I - or anyone - be expected to remember you from the rest - let alone go through the effort of wrenching an interesting conversation out of "Hi, how was your Friday"?
Now, you may know better than to be so tritely generic. But still - how do you strike that balance of quirky, engaging, personalized, and confident? What works on some women might might not work for others, so it's hard to say what the "perfect message" looks like. But, as for what doesn't work ... some messages I've gotten are way too forward, some to the point of being pushy - or downright scary. Here are a few which I suppose the average man would know better than to send - yet I think each of these guys, in his own way, thought that he was being clever or pushing my "well, THAT was ballsy" button ...
Category HUH: (Hey, aren't you getting ahead of yourself, Mr. Bossypants?)
- Hi there, I just read your profile and saw your pics. Message me back to get to know each other. Im really lookin forward to chatting with you.
- I cook...you eat. You can teach me to dance if you are up for the challenge.
- I think we are a great match. Let's meet.
- If you're interested let me know. This week is good.
I can only assume that these men thought they should treat their OkApproach like a job interview, where you're supposed to talk as if the deal is already done and you've already got the position. There's nothing wrong with a little confidence - but messages like these have almost a demanding tone to them, which is very unsettling coming from a complete stranger.
Dial it down. Don't just assume that the connection is there because YOU felt there was something in common. Exchange a message or two before ASKING - nicely - if your new interest would like to go on a date.
Category ICK: (What would you do if someone talked to your sister like this?)
- Hey, how is it going? Want to piss of your bf...what's your name? ; ) [when my status was "seeing someone"]
- Damn girl you are seriuosly fine. I've got more pics if you want to see mine, I been working out.
- You should show off your nice chest a little, that I know you have. :O)
- [insert pretty much any other offensive reference to my looks - I've deleted most of these]
- Would you like to meet over some chinese food tonight? I'm hungry and you interest me
That last one in particular literally made me shudder. I'm sure the sender thought he was being dashingly impulsive - but seriously, linking his interest in me with his HUNGER?? Besides, everyone knows you're only full for an hour after eating Chinese - when I read this I had the most disturbing image of myself in a take-out container, on the receiving end of an intense stare, being poked at with chopsticks ...
Seriously, when you're hungry, eat a damn Snickers bar ... or go to IHOP!! You'll leave happy. I, on the other hand ... felt like Little Red Riding Hood.
"My, what big teeth you have ..."
And even if the girl you are pursuing is hot - obviously hot isn't enough, or else she wouldn't need to date online! She's hoping to meet people through a combination of looks AND personality. So, go ahead - say she's pretty, lovely, even gorgeous (I've gotten all these adjectives, but, well - my pictures are carefully curated) - but if her profile says she's looking for long-term, you've GOT to do more than just refer to her looks! No self-respecting woman is going to respond to a message which is completely based on her appearance. I once got a message which said one word: "Daaaaamn." Now, while it was flattering, it was useless. This one was way better:
- you're so adorable, so.... I'm getting rid of my cat. [I'm allergic, and it says so in my profile]
He showed me that he'd actually read my profile, paid me a compliment, made a joke, AND kept it short and sweet. Unfortunately, his profile didn't spark my interest (and I would never ask someone to get rid of their cat for me, anyway), but the point is that his message worked. Not generic, not boring, not pushy, and NOT icky! I at least gave him the time of day.
So, while not being boring and generic is good ... don't go so far in the other direction that you end up being one of the PlentyO'Freaks, or an OkCreep, either. We'd appreciate it.
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