I went out on a first date a few months ago with a guy who'd been one of the first people I'd ever exchanged messages with on OkC. We'll call him ... Sherlock. We had a good time emailing each other - we swapped casting suggestions for the live-action Thundercats movie (you KNOW Vin Diesel's gotta be Panthro), discussed a hypothetical stand-up routine based only on the elements of the presidential bathroom (bidet control panel complete with great big red "nukes" button), and other witty exchanges - but by the time Sherlock finally asked me out, I'd established a more exclusive relationship with someone else, so I had to tell him no.
A few months after that particular experiment in unloading baggage ended, Sherlock and I finally went on a date. He picked the place - gourmet French cuisine - which seemed a bit overdone for a first date, especially after I specifically said "nothing too fancy" when he asked me about my preferences. He also established that he'd be buying our meal. Now, don't get me wrong - I love it when guys pick up the check on a first date, and really mean it - but if you ask me where I want to go, you damn well better take it into consideration!
The night of the date arrived. I live in the suburbs, and the drive into the city can vary from 15 to 35 minutes - it's anybody's guess. I was running late, and texted him to tell him so - that I'd be maybe 5 minutes late. Then I hit some keerazy traffic. I shot him a quick text to say, well, maybe more like 10 or 15. He said okay, and he was there already. Yikes! When I cleared the traffic and got off the freeway, I let him know my new ETA. His response: "Don't text and drive."
Oh, crap - did I put "Mom" into the "Looking for" part of my profile? No, no I didn't. I've got a mom and a stepmom, and the two of them are all I need yelling at me for my choices. You, person I've never even met - don't get to reprimand me, especially when I'm texting out of courtesy and concern for being late.
But, hey - text messages don't convey tone, right? Maybe he meant to be playful. So, I wiped the WTF off my face and entered the restaurant determined to give him a chance; because I'm an expert at cutting people off and I scored primo parking, I was in my seat all of five minutes late. I know this because I took out my phone to turn off the volume when I sat down.
There was an awkward moment where he didn't help me with my coat, or pour me a glass of water, or do anything besides stare at me while I apologized for being late and commented on what a great table he'd gotten. Fortunately the server came around to take care of both.
Small talk ensued. I tried my hardest, I swear, but the conversation was mediocre, at best. At some point he mentioned that he too, lives in the suburbs, only in another direction. I said, "Ah! You know how crazy the traffic can get around here. One minute it's clear and the next all the cars are stacked up like dominoes." His response: "Yeah, that's why I planned ahead and left early." Stare.
I checked out then, mentally. Seriously?? You're going to dig at me for arriving FIVE MINUTES late for a date we scheduled during rush hour, when I gave you a heads-up as soon as I knew that I would, in fact, be running late? And after reprimanding me for having the temerity to TELL you I was running late? And all this on our FIRST date?? What happens if I forget to put the cap on the toothpaste, or if, in a fit of unbridled laziness, I don't check the mail for two days straight?
I had a vision of soup cans all lined up, labels out. Towels hung in perfect symmetry. This OkCynic knew then and there that it was time to swim away, fast.
Texting and driving isn't safe - NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
You should always plan on arriving early to your destination - NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
When on a first date, please avoid acting like her mother. Chances are she passed elementary school with flying colors, and maybe even a few other grades, as well. If you ask her what she wants, don't assume that you know best and impose your judgment. If she's engaging in behaviors that you consider immature, take that into the whole picture of who she is and decide if you can cope. But a first date is not the right time to call her out on any of it.
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