I am past 30. Not toeing the line, not touching the paint - completely, and definitively, past 30. Lucky for me, I appear to look probably five years younger than I am - or that's what people tell me. I look at pictures taken of me five years ago and I can't see the difference. At any rate, I'm healthy and attractive and I get a lot of hits on my profile.
So what? The funny part is, I get hits from guys who are 10 years my junior. Now, I have a 10-year range in the "looking for" part of my profile - five years younger, five years older. But it does not include wide-eyed, stiff-crotched young men who are barely old enough to buy me a drink. I teach all day long for my job, and I do NOT want to have to keep "working" when I get home - I want a partner who is skilled, confident, and grounded. This is not to say that younger men are, universally, inexperienced or untalented in bed, nor that they are ALL unworldly or immature. There may be an excellent partner out there for me who is, in fact, ten years younger. But as an age group, I am simply unwilling to sift through all the horny naivete to find that exception.
However, this has not prevented at least three young men (I omit the "gentle" with absolute intention) from contacting me via OkStupidIM to propose a little cradle romp. Not that there's anything wrong with trying to see if you can get a more experienced woman to sleep with you. But the way these men went about it illustrates EXACTLY my point - no matter how old the woman, a little class is needed when propositioning her. Here are some examples (a short compilation of the tasteless, but entertaining, approaches taken by Dumb, Dumber, and D'Oh):
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Okstupidboy: Hey, how are you?
Me: Peachy, and yourself?
Okstupidboy: Peachy, lol, that's great :) So, I was wondering ... I've got this fantasy of hooking up with a much older woman and I was wondering if you'd be into that.
Me: (in the mood to be entertained) You know, I don't "hook up" with anyone, no matter how old they are, but are you for real?
Okstupidboy: Yes, I bet we could have a really good time, I saw your pictures and you're hot, you can check out mine if you want.
Me: (after obligingly checking out pictures) Seriously, you seem very cute, but I don't do casual hookups, it says so on my profile.
Okstupidboy: You never know until you try! ;) lol.
Me: Believe me, I don't plan on trying, but honestly, what would I get out of the deal?
Okstupidboy: Well, I mean ... it would be fun, I've been told I'm good in bed, well, I'm pretty sure I am, and you could show me things I don't know, it's my fantasy to have an older woman teach me. I'm also really *well-equipped* lol ;)
Me: You are serious? You just want to take me, an anonymous older woman, out for drinks or something, and then have sex, and hope that you learn something and that you can satisfy me at least minimally?
Okstupidboy: I don't really have money for drinks, lol, you'd have to buy your own.
Me: Are you for real?
Okstupidboy: Yeah, I mean, hey, at least I'm being honest.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Where is the lesson here? There are obviously several, but the overall one is, dear Okstupidboy who can't lock down an older woman - SHOW SOME CLASS. I, personally, always say no to hookups, no matter what age group they come from, and no matter how classy the proposal or attractive the man. I expect a lot out of my partner, and I'm not interested in wasting a notch on my bedpost on some potentially mediocre sex. But that's just me. Other ladies my age, who ARE open to more casual encounters, will be more likely to respond positively to your advances if you comply with the following ...
RULES FOR HUNTING AN OKCOUGAR:
First of all, read the woman's profile. If she hasn't listed "short-term dating" or "casual sex" amongst her "looking for" parameters, move ON. Believe me, your youthful charms are not half as attractive as you think they are, especially to a woman who has a stated interested in stability, and even more so if you're more than a year or two away from the bottom range of her age bracket.
Supposing that you've decided to contact this (would-be) OkCougar, promise yourself NOT to use smileys, LOLs, OMGs, and other abbreviations unless SHE does first. We are part of a generation that met, dated, hooked up, and loved without electronic interventions - and while many of us have learned to manage that language fluently, others will be put off by your youthful insistence on shorthand phrases and laughter that we know better than to believe is actually "out loud."
Don't start off with "much older." Jeez. Most women my age (if my initial paragraph didn't convince you) don't feel a day older than 27. Calling us "much older" or even "older" may be accurate, but it is NOT attractive. If you are proposing a hookup, ask us how we are, tell us how attractive we are, and then propose the damn hookup. We can figure out your age on our own, promise. If we say yes, we know what we're getting into.
Also ... hints at your poverty, lack of education, residence in a parental basement, videogames, part-time job, and anything else that screams "MAN-BOY" will not help your case. The most important benefits of hooking up with a younger guy are your supposed stamina, still-visible-from-varsity-football physique, and enthusiasm. Please don't imply that we should pay for the obligatory drinks beforehand, or that getting together at your place would interrupt your roommate's Madden tournament. Save up for sex with an older woman like you would for a car ... or at least a freaking oil change.
Happy hunting ...
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Show yourself!
My second date originating from an OkC contact was ... the most snooze-inducing hour and a half of my life. I can't even provide you with dialogue since there is NOTHING memorable about our encounter - even the food (fish and chips) was insipid, in spite of generous doses of ketchup and malt vinegar ...
I had contacted this particular OkStupidman based on the whimsy of his profile pic (he was sitting on a bench, looking sideways at a gigantic stuffed animal seated next to him), and his slightly snarky profile - I enjoy a good dose of sarcasm, and he seemed to wield words enviably. We even chatted a few times online before meeting, and a compatible vibe was definitely there.
I got to the restaurant first - it had been my choice, and I was disappointed to see that it was more dive-y than "colorful;" still, a local had promised me good eats and friendly service. I waited.
When OkStupidman walked through the door, it was over for me, physically. I asked myself - how did I not realize what this man looks like? We made it through a dinner filled with false starts and halfhearted jokes, and said goodbye unenthusiastically.
What is the lesson here? It's not about writing a profile which is as equally boring as you yourself are in person - I can understand, and forgive, that our face-to-face connection was a pale shade of lavender compared to the vibrant interactions we had enjoyed before. He probably thought I was intolerably dull, as well. But the date - and the accompanying conversational floundering - could have all been avoided had his pictures resembled the man in person.
So, what is today's lesson? INCLUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF THAT ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE YOU! I went back later and realized that this particular OkStupidman had only included pictures of himself taken in profile. Aha! I know the trick of it now. So, this particular piece of coconut-preservation advice includes the following stipulations:
1) You need to have at least one picture of yourself looking directly at the camera. Face forward. Artistic, angled, pensive, staged shots are all fine and good (though hopefully there aren't too many) - but at least one needs to show your whole, smiling face.
2) If you are anywhere in the vicinity of bald, you'd damn well better show it. If you are wearing a hat in every single one of your pictures, I will dislike you - and not because you're bald, but because you're hiding it.
3) Even if you have an eight-pack and Ken-doll-hips, do not do the cell-phone-camera-bathroom-mirror-shirtless thing. Girls who put up pictures like that appear to be slutty - whether they are or not. You, in turn, just look like a douche.
There are women who loooove guys with a shaved head, or who just don't care about thinning or missing hair, the same way that there are guys who don't care if a girl has a few extra pounds on her. As for your stellar bod, she'll have plenty of time to discover it if you click - but you won't get a chance to click with her if you've already convinced her that you're a superficial man-whore. A general idea of your fitness level is fine, via a full-body shot that shows if you're skinny, well-shaped, pudgy, or even flat-out overweight. But keep your damn shirt on.
Besides, do you really want to waste your time going on a date with a woman who isn't at least reasonably sure she finds you attractive?? Post some authentic pictures of yourself, and you may find that while you go on fewer dates ... they'll be better ones.
I had contacted this particular OkStupidman based on the whimsy of his profile pic (he was sitting on a bench, looking sideways at a gigantic stuffed animal seated next to him), and his slightly snarky profile - I enjoy a good dose of sarcasm, and he seemed to wield words enviably. We even chatted a few times online before meeting, and a compatible vibe was definitely there.
I got to the restaurant first - it had been my choice, and I was disappointed to see that it was more dive-y than "colorful;" still, a local had promised me good eats and friendly service. I waited.
When OkStupidman walked through the door, it was over for me, physically. I asked myself - how did I not realize what this man looks like? We made it through a dinner filled with false starts and halfhearted jokes, and said goodbye unenthusiastically.
What is the lesson here? It's not about writing a profile which is as equally boring as you yourself are in person - I can understand, and forgive, that our face-to-face connection was a pale shade of lavender compared to the vibrant interactions we had enjoyed before. He probably thought I was intolerably dull, as well. But the date - and the accompanying conversational floundering - could have all been avoided had his pictures resembled the man in person.
So, what is today's lesson? INCLUDE PICTURES OF YOURSELF THAT ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE YOU! I went back later and realized that this particular OkStupidman had only included pictures of himself taken in profile. Aha! I know the trick of it now. So, this particular piece of coconut-preservation advice includes the following stipulations:
1) You need to have at least one picture of yourself looking directly at the camera. Face forward. Artistic, angled, pensive, staged shots are all fine and good (though hopefully there aren't too many) - but at least one needs to show your whole, smiling face.
2) If you are anywhere in the vicinity of bald, you'd damn well better show it. If you are wearing a hat in every single one of your pictures, I will dislike you - and not because you're bald, but because you're hiding it.
3) Even if you have an eight-pack and Ken-doll-hips, do not do the cell-phone-camera-bathroom-mirror-shirtless thing. Girls who put up pictures like that appear to be slutty - whether they are or not. You, in turn, just look like a douche.
There are women who loooove guys with a shaved head, or who just don't care about thinning or missing hair, the same way that there are guys who don't care if a girl has a few extra pounds on her. As for your stellar bod, she'll have plenty of time to discover it if you click - but you won't get a chance to click with her if you've already convinced her that you're a superficial man-whore. A general idea of your fitness level is fine, via a full-body shot that shows if you're skinny, well-shaped, pudgy, or even flat-out overweight. But keep your damn shirt on.
Besides, do you really want to waste your time going on a date with a woman who isn't at least reasonably sure she finds you attractive?? Post some authentic pictures of yourself, and you may find that while you go on fewer dates ... they'll be better ones.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Avoid the woods
My OkC experience started when I told a friend I had tickets for a hockey game and no one to go with. I was new in my town and knew fewer than a half-dozen people. She proceeded to tell me that she'd been checking out a certain guy's profile on OkCupid (this "dating site" I'd heard of, but never visited), that he was in my town, and that he would be "perfect" for me.
She copy-pasted every word of his profile into an email and sent it forth ... and boy, did he sound great on screen. Witty, self-deprecating, with just enough personal detail to make you say wow, this guy is really in touch with his emotions. You know the type.
I got to see a picture, too - he was wearing a beanie and a scarf, hands in his pockets, shoulders shrugged up in a slightly sheepish way ... seemed very endearing.
So I signed up ... as I was filling out my profile, my friend (we'll call her Cindy) emailed him and told him that I was interested in a date. Once I was actually "in" the system, I went to visit his profile for myself.
*Sigh* The rest of the pictures were not good. He was definitely more Cindy's type than mine. But, by then he had contacted me and I felt obligated to go on a date. He still seemed fun and funny, and I figured that I might get a friend out of the deal. I also liked that he already had plans the same night I had those tickets, and was not willing to blow them off to go on a date - I was encouraged by the scent of non-desperation. So I showed up to breakfast with the best of intentions.
Unfortunately, he showed up to breakfast with chips on his shoulders stacked up like Pringles. He was noticeably, painfully defensive about everything, especially his recent weight loss. Not a hint of the self-confidence that his so-carefully-worded profile had conveyed.
This, however, was not the coconut-shattering problem. Everyone has self-esteem issues. But here is where he failed:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(after we finished breakfast)
OkStupidman: So, I was thinking we could go for a walk, since you said you like being outside in your profile.
Me: Oh, sure, I guess that would be fine, where would we go?
OkStupidman: Well, I know a park right near here that is really pretty.
Me: Hm, well, is it like a city park with playground equipment or is it a wooded park with trails?
OkStupidman: It's more like the second.
Me: (thinking): Oh, yes, that sounds fabulous - I didn't actually write it in my profile, but I LOVE going out in the woods alone with men I've just met. My life goal is to become a Dateline true story ...
(out loud): Um, I'd just as soon stay in town, do you know any cool neighborhoods?
OkStupidman: (sounding surprised) You ... you don't want to go for a hike in the woods?
Me: No, I'd really rather stay in town. I don't know the city well yet - is there someplace fun we could walk around?
OkStupidman: Yeah, sure, we can go to (InsertNameOf) Street, there's a good bookstore up there, and I don't live too far away. Why don't you follow me to my house in your car and we can take the bus from there?
Me: (thinking): Ah, yes, so we can get extra "together time" both ways on the bus, and then of course you can invite me in after we get back from our walk, and since I don't know the city very well I'll completely depend on you to get back in the first place, and your neighborhood just might be sketchy or isolated and ... Ann Curry's gonna love this.
(out loud): You know, I should get back home fairly soon, I have some work to do, so why don't we just drive separately and then I can leave right after our walk.
OkStupidman: You ... you don't want to just leave your car at my place?
Me: No, really, I'd prefer to drive myself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I won't regale you with further "date" details ... but what is the lesson here??
I learned lots ... but this blog is about you, OkStupidman, who can't figure out why he's still single ...
DON'T ACT LIKE A CREEPER! I am very sure that I would have been absolutely safe with this guy - but that isn't the damn issue. The point is that anyone with an ounce of common sense would realize that inviting a girl he's just met into the f**king woods is psycho behavior - even if he has no psycho intentions at all. It's about appearances, people. He further demonstrated his okstupidity by pushing forward and saying "let's ride over together." I'm sure he was just trying to be green, but it only showed that he did not catch the whole "I'm not yet comfortable being alone with you" message I was sending.
In short, it doesn't matter if you're not a stalking, ax-murdering rapist. If you ACT like one, women will wonder if you actually are one, or if you're too clueless to realize that you're giving off that impression. Either way, you lose.
And when it comes down to it, so do we.
She copy-pasted every word of his profile into an email and sent it forth ... and boy, did he sound great on screen. Witty, self-deprecating, with just enough personal detail to make you say wow, this guy is really in touch with his emotions. You know the type.
I got to see a picture, too - he was wearing a beanie and a scarf, hands in his pockets, shoulders shrugged up in a slightly sheepish way ... seemed very endearing.
So I signed up ... as I was filling out my profile, my friend (we'll call her Cindy) emailed him and told him that I was interested in a date. Once I was actually "in" the system, I went to visit his profile for myself.
*Sigh* The rest of the pictures were not good. He was definitely more Cindy's type than mine. But, by then he had contacted me and I felt obligated to go on a date. He still seemed fun and funny, and I figured that I might get a friend out of the deal. I also liked that he already had plans the same night I had those tickets, and was not willing to blow them off to go on a date - I was encouraged by the scent of non-desperation. So I showed up to breakfast with the best of intentions.
Unfortunately, he showed up to breakfast with chips on his shoulders stacked up like Pringles. He was noticeably, painfully defensive about everything, especially his recent weight loss. Not a hint of the self-confidence that his so-carefully-worded profile had conveyed.
This, however, was not the coconut-shattering problem. Everyone has self-esteem issues. But here is where he failed:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(after we finished breakfast)
OkStupidman: So, I was thinking we could go for a walk, since you said you like being outside in your profile.
Me: Oh, sure, I guess that would be fine, where would we go?
OkStupidman: Well, I know a park right near here that is really pretty.
Me: Hm, well, is it like a city park with playground equipment or is it a wooded park with trails?
OkStupidman: It's more like the second.
Me: (thinking): Oh, yes, that sounds fabulous - I didn't actually write it in my profile, but I LOVE going out in the woods alone with men I've just met. My life goal is to become a Dateline true story ...
(out loud): Um, I'd just as soon stay in town, do you know any cool neighborhoods?
OkStupidman: (sounding surprised) You ... you don't want to go for a hike in the woods?
Me: No, I'd really rather stay in town. I don't know the city well yet - is there someplace fun we could walk around?
OkStupidman: Yeah, sure, we can go to (InsertNameOf) Street, there's a good bookstore up there, and I don't live too far away. Why don't you follow me to my house in your car and we can take the bus from there?
Me: (thinking): Ah, yes, so we can get extra "together time" both ways on the bus, and then of course you can invite me in after we get back from our walk, and since I don't know the city very well I'll completely depend on you to get back in the first place, and your neighborhood just might be sketchy or isolated and ... Ann Curry's gonna love this.
(out loud): You know, I should get back home fairly soon, I have some work to do, so why don't we just drive separately and then I can leave right after our walk.
OkStupidman: You ... you don't want to just leave your car at my place?
Me: No, really, I'd prefer to drive myself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I won't regale you with further "date" details ... but what is the lesson here??
I learned lots ... but this blog is about you, OkStupidman, who can't figure out why he's still single ...
DON'T ACT LIKE A CREEPER! I am very sure that I would have been absolutely safe with this guy - but that isn't the damn issue. The point is that anyone with an ounce of common sense would realize that inviting a girl he's just met into the f**king woods is psycho behavior - even if he has no psycho intentions at all. It's about appearances, people. He further demonstrated his okstupidity by pushing forward and saying "let's ride over together." I'm sure he was just trying to be green, but it only showed that he did not catch the whole "I'm not yet comfortable being alone with you" message I was sending.
In short, it doesn't matter if you're not a stalking, ax-murdering rapist. If you ACT like one, women will wonder if you actually are one, or if you're too clueless to realize that you're giving off that impression. Either way, you lose.
And when it comes down to it, so do we.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Coconuts
so i have a profile on okcupid. there. i said it.
dating in your early 30s is hard. hard like a coconut. you KNOW there's some healthy deliciousness inside, but prying it open without spilling out the good stuff is nearly impossible.
you might be the coconut, he might be the coconut, the relationship itself might be the coconut ... but idiots with sledgehammers seem to abound, judging by the messages and behaviors of far too many men (and boys) who have contacted me on okc.
so, please share this blog with anyone single you know, especially men who may be inadvertently dropping tropical fruit out of 10-story windows ...
dating in your early 30s is hard. hard like a coconut. you KNOW there's some healthy deliciousness inside, but prying it open without spilling out the good stuff is nearly impossible.
you might be the coconut, he might be the coconut, the relationship itself might be the coconut ... but idiots with sledgehammers seem to abound, judging by the messages and behaviors of far too many men (and boys) who have contacted me on okc.
so, please share this blog with anyone single you know, especially men who may be inadvertently dropping tropical fruit out of 10-story windows ...
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