Turtles have feelings, too

I'm old enough to be able to count the number of times I've fallen in love on more than one hand.  I'm also old enough to know, in hindsight, when what I thought was love was really just lust ... and to know better than to make that mistake now.

I'm old enough to know myself, and what I need in a partner.  When you meet your partner young, as two as-yet-formed individuals, you can often grow and learn together, twisting around each other like vines, learning to fit over time.

But for me - there'll be no blundering, figure-it-out-as-we-go, not now.  I'm fully myself, and I need a partner who yins when I yang, who pushes where I yield, who can be the other half to the jagged edges and smooth curves of me.  There might yet be a few small gaps, but they should be the kind you can fill in with an apology and a backrub.

I recently attended the wedding of my much-younger stepsister (25 to my thirty-something),whom we'll call Betty; I was a bridesmaid, along with my biological sister, who is two years younger than me, and several of my stepsister's friends.  Our dresses were the wrong color, the wrinkles stubbornly refusing to steam away, and the sun beat down upon us all in our synthetic-fabricked glory ... but Betty was stunning and the ceremony went off beautifully.

My sister's husband carried the ringbearer, their not-quite-one-year-old-son, down the aisle, showing off the ribbon tied around his tiny wrist, the rings dangling safely, to the delight of all the witnesses.  There were first dances, and toasts, and many hugs and tears - all as it should be.

For all of two days, over the course of the rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and reception, I managed to avoid any "adult" scrutiny about my love life.  My stepmother (now divorced from my father, it bears mentioning; we'll call her Penny) is a very energetic and opinionated individual - far too often, to a fault.  I was quite sure she'd have something to say about me being the "last" of the three daughters to get married.  But she'd been so quiet on the subject, I thought that maybe, this once, she had determined to be discreet and let the weekend be solely about Betty and her new husband.

Alas, I was wrong.  The day after the wedding, a reception "brunch" was held at the home of a family friend.  Copious amounts of both food and booze were served.  In some cases, both together - fondue spiked with vodka and champagne??  Yes, please!

But after we had all eaten (though certainly not drunk) our fill, we ("we" consisting of nearly the entire wedding party, some of their respective spouses/partners, several parental figures, and extended family) gathered around the new couple in the backyard to watch them open their wedding presents.  A gift from Penny to her daughter was wrapped in white fabric; as she opened it, Betty commented "well, Mom, this is interesting wrapping paper."  My stepmom replied, "yes, it's extra fabric from the runner I had to buy to lay down the aisle for the ceremony.  They make you buy yards and yards of it, so I have to find ways to use it up." 

Penny then turned to me - innocently sipping away at my red vodka slushee (which tasted oddly - and happily - like a gummy worm) - and declared, "OkCynic, hurry up already!!  Settle down with somebody!!  Then I can use the rest of it for your wedding."  I shrugged, said, "okay, sure, I'll get right on that" and proceeded to drain my drink - which, as everyone knows, is the first step towards getting hitched.

Now, I knew almost no one at this fete, being mostly members of the groom's party, so I cared little what they thought.  The point was ... what a careless joke.  It wasn't at all funny - no one laughed.  And whether meant as a joke, a pointed dig, or a combination of both, it was absolutely tasteless and showed no care or respect for my feelings.  And even though I knew it was coming - at some point in the weekend, I knew she'd have SOMETHING to say - I never dreamed it would be so public or with such a weak lead-in.  Seriously?  You're going to jab at my love life over a bolt of fabric??

Normally my blog posts are lessons for the single of us out there, trying to get past the awkwardness and impersonality of online dating and first encounters, to show the best of who we truly are and see if there's zig to our zag somewhere in Cupid's quiver.

Today's lesson, however, is for those well-meaning individuals among you who are NOT single, or who tend to tell their grown children what to do, or who think for a second that they know what's best for their friends, whether those friends are gamely plodding through the world of online dating or not.

Hurry up??  Oh yes, thanks for saying something.  I hadn't realized it was time to hurry up.

Now then, just whom do you think I should be hurrying toward?  Or hurrying along with?  The second-best first date of my life, who was can't-sleep-crazy about me until he realized I was moving a whole two hours away and then bailed?  Should I have given up on the out-of-town dream job for the sake of hurrying?

Or maybe you mean the one who sweetly pursued me for nearly half a year, all the while spouting the most hateful political garbage while living off his parents' generosity?  Is it okay to hurry if the man is essentially an asshole, as long as he's nice to you and has a wealthy family?

Perhaps I should have hurried with the one I thought might be "the one," the best first date of my life, who dated me exclusively for five months yet never introduced me to a single one of his friends.  Because hiding your romantic relationship away from your platonic relationships is a sign of emotional health and hurry-worthiness?  You tell me.

Oh, I see now - I should have hurried with the one who is an up-and-coming store manager at a major retail chain ... who by the end of our second date was already letting me walk all over him.  Cause a guy you can keep in his place with your pinky finger is definitely someone you want to hurry toward?

Wait, I've got it - I just had my third date with a real catch, a tall, handsome lawyer with a good work ethic and witty conversational skills.  After three dates, several affectionate touchy-feely moves on his part, and a few dry kisses, I feel like the man is my brother.  So you're saying I should hurry towards someone who leaves me sexually cold?  Is incest how I win the coveted white fabric runner?
 
Fuck hurrying.

Telling someone to "hurry" shows only little understanding of love and commitment.  I will not be hurried by expectation to partner up with anyone who doesn't link with me, in all the ways a partner should.  Contrary to Pennyish belief - I'm too old to "settle" for the sake of "settling down"!  I've lived true love and anything else is rubbish.

So, if you have someone in your life who is still figuring all this out, don't you dare tell them to "hurry," or that "the clock's ticking" or any of a dozen other useless admonishments.  If you love the person, truly love them and want their happiness, you'll tell them to "wait."

Wait for the one whom you'd love and admire even if she weren't your partner.  Wait for the one who is so proud to be with you he's bursting.  Wait for the one who respects herself enough to tell you when you're full of it.  Wait for the one who knows who he is and what he wants in life.  Wait for the one who is so eager to sleep with you she can't possibly "wait" ... and neither can you.

Now, that's good advice.  If you can't give it, keep your well-meaning mouth shut.  We slowpokes will figure it out, promise.

Persistence is futile

I don't use my profile on PlentyO'Freaks anymore, since that site is crammed full of strange guys who send horrifyingly insulting messages.  Unfortunately, POF deletes your messages after a period of time so all the gems I was saving up to share with you ... are less than electronic dust, now.  It's just as well.

Another reason I don't use POF is because of its lack of filters - more on that another time.  But my profile does say how to find me on OkC, where I can happily pre-screen suitors based on their percentage matches.  What this has meant, at times, is being persistently pursued on BOTH sites.

Sometimes I wonder if these guys are so intent on sending as many messages as possible, that they don't even realize that they've doubled up on the same girl.  That was an unintended pun, but at the same time - you DO start to feel violated after someone repeatedly, insistently, messages you and visits your profile on not one, but TWO sites.  I've had the same person contact me at least half a dozen times in total, maybe more.  It's weird and unsettling. 

We've discussed being creepily insistent in earlier posts, but this time I want to emphasize the need to KEEP TRACK.  If you're juggling multiple profiles - as I imagine many of you are - watch out for bombarding the same girl with messages.  When you do so, even accidentally, all she sees is 1) this guy is a stalker who can't catch a clue, or 2) this guy just sees a hot girl and messages her automatically.  You come off as creepy, desperate, or both - not a good combination.

Related to this ... visiting a girl's profile over and over again in the hopes of sparking some interest or communication.  While I have seen several men commit this mistake, there is one in particular who visits me at least once every three weeks - but has never even sent me a note.  This is a type of persistence which is almost worse than the kind where you message, message, message until you're blue in the ... fingertips.

STOP DRY-HUMPING MY PROFILE!!  Seriously, either get your shit together and send me a message, or fade away once and for all.  I visited this one's profile a long time ago and decided I wasn't interested, at least not enough to be the first to send a message.  If he'd at least ACTED, he'd have known where he stood.  But he's given me the chance to see that either he's too shy to go after something he obviously wants, or that he's too forgetful to remember he's visited me at least ten times already.  Either way, I'm even less interested than I was before.

Today's lesson, OkStupidman - if you're interested, message her.  ONCE.  If you've messaged her, REMEMBER.  And if she's not responding, MOVE ON.  There are plenty of fish in the quiver ... or something like that  :)