I have to give OkC props for its compatibility indicators - not necessarily because high percentages guarantee success, but because low ones are almost always great, big, color-coded, accurate "RUN AWAY NOW!" signs which, even next to the hottest of potential matches, I heed without fail. I plan to post more in detail on this soon.
This rant, however, is about how sometimes, even when everything seems like it should be right ... match percentages are high, photos are promising, messages are witty ... you go on that first date and ... that's all, folks.
I'm talking about a lack of OkChemistry. Things look good on screen - maybe even look good in person (most of the men I've been on dates with are definitely attractive); hell, maybe even the conversation is stimulating, topics flow, eyebrows raise, laughter bursts forth ... and yet ... something is off. Or just plain absent.
"I'm just not attracted to you." Inexplicable, unpredictable ... and FRUSTRATING. We women understand that most men can stand at attention simply when the wind blows the right way, and that your willingness to sleep with us is pretty much established when you meet us, and you see 1) that the pictures were at least ballpark, 2) no sign of an Adam's apple, and 3) that we seem to use floss at least occasionally.
Are there exceptions? Of course there are - just like there are women who will nail anything that isn't, well ... nailed down. But as a general rule, female arousal is a complex thing. And while I might want to want to sleep with you - cause I think you're nice and I should want to, or I'm in a dry spell -I don't want to. And if I don't want to sleep with you, I'm not going to lead you on and let you take me out on dates with romantic expectations and intentions. I don't like to be led on, and I wouldn't do the same to you.
So what does this mean for you? It means you get the brush-off - the indifferent, non-committal, excruciatingly polite response (if you get one at all) to your oh-so-carefully-composed follow-up to our date, which, to you at least, seemed to be extremely promising.
Yikes. Nobody likes to be brushed off. But you know what's worse? BEING BOMBARDED WITH REPEATED TEXTS-MESSAGES-PROFILE VISITS AFTER EXECUTING A BRUSH-OFF! SEE HOW I'M USING CAPITAL LETTERS RIGHT NOW?? DO YOU FEEL ANNOYED AND EVEN SLIGHTLY VIOLATED?? THAT'S HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU DON'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!
Fortunately, this has not been the rule for the majority of my spark-less first dates. Some of the men have felt it too, I think; in other cases, they have quickly caught, and moved, on. Others ... not so perceptive.
Take the man I met for drinks on a Friday night, at a quirky little bar in a quirky little neighborhood that I'd never been to. Talk of the general quirkiness surrounding us made up a good 20% of our conversation; the rest of the time was spent on standard small talk. He was decently handsome, but I felt absolutely no attraction. So, we had an early-ish hug goodbye and I told myself - well, he'll be good for a beer once in a while - and hey, look at this fabulously quirky new place I get to bring people to.
Except, well ... I don't dare set foot in the joint for fear of encouraging him. It took him a MONTH to leave me alone. Repeated "watcha doin?" type texts, stalker-esque profile visits, an IM here and there ... I shudder to think what an encounter now would do to his reality, which he has apparently - thankfully - regained a tenuous grip on.
Then there was another special character ... I'm gonna call him the Artist. The Artist and I had sky-high compatibility, deliciously sarcastic IM banter, and we both found each other very attractive, based on pictures. However, our schedules didn't match up and we couldn't find a time to go out. The full story of the Artist deserves, and will get, its own post. But, the point is that he said something which I found ridiculous and I just stopped replying to his texts. Entirely. I suppose I could have told him how idiotic he appeared to me, but crafting an explanation seemed like more effort than he was worth - so I opted for the brush-off.
Only the Artist had become a stain, the kind that keeps coming back after several rounds in the washer and dryer. Just when I thought I was safe - maybe five or six entire days without a message - I'd get inane inquiries about how I was, and references to inside jokes that only seemed sad and dim to me at that point. Like Mr. Quirky, the Artist took at least a month to go away, perhaps more.
I will never be friends with either of those men; and they will never get introduced to any of my girlfriends, either. There are a few others out there who are in the exact same boat - they've killed any opportunity of having any kind of relationship with me due to their refusal to take a goddamn hint.
So, like so many of my posts, this advice to all the OkStupidmen out there centers around, essentially, not being a freak: when you get the brush-off, BOW OUT GRACEFULLY.
I went on a date several months ago with a guy who was too young for me, but who was just like me - energetic and bright and talkative - way too cool a person to not want to give a chance to. Unfortunately, I found myself in the Land of No Spark (I'm tempted to make a Transformers joke here but I'm still recovering from the overwrought Decepticon-to-Decepticon pep talk in the second installment).
He followed up, I brushed him off ... but I kept him in my mind as someone who exudes positive energy, and I proposed a friendly get-together a few months later. Today, we are absolute buds. And while he has a girlfriend he's very happy with at the moment, I know that if they ever broke up that 1) he wouldn't come on to me, and 2) I'd absolutely introduce him to all my single girlfriends :)
So if you get the brush-off, send a single, simple message - "it was awesome meeting you the other night; let me know if you'd like to hang out sometime" or some variation and then BACK AWAY. Don't mention the brush-off; phrases like "well, I haven't heard back from you about getting together again" or "you haven't responded to my message from Sunday" will just make you sound needy and insecure.
Then, if necessary, write her phone number down somewhere and then erase her contact information from your phone to remove temptation. Take her off your OkC favorites so you don't go bouncing over to her profile every time she answers a question or changes a comma to a semicolon. Seriously, we know you exist, and having "reminders" that you're out there, pantingly available, are both unnecessary and unattractive ... and creepy.
If she wants to see you, she'll say something. After all, she knows where to find you. And if you don't act like an overeager stalker-puppy, she'll probably remember you in a positive way ... which means you may have a chance at a friend, or something more, with her, or her friends, in the future. Winning!
